his rebuttal

-never have i been so vulnerable with anyone before but you.
-that's how i know i love you. that's how i know i need you.
-in my head, it always plays out the same.
-maybe because the one person that knows who i am, me, i don't like me.
-and the other person that knows me, you, you don't like me.
-i've just been one miscalculated step away from you leaving forever, for as long as i remember.
-i think i know how these conversations go, so i don't tell you.
-i thought i made progress, legitimately thought, when i texted you about Lezley Keppler wanting to be my friend, but i even messed up with that.
-so i know you feel like you're spoon feeding me but i just can't. i just don't know what to do. i just can't do it, there's not...
- i just know that..i have been more confrontational in terms of putting myself out there, with you, than with anyone. anyone that i've known, guy or girl, family or not.
-and i felt, for a long time, that you needed me, but the reality of it is that i need you.
-i'm a shell of myself, i'm a shell of who i want to be, i don't know how all this happened, i just..
-that's the thing, i know how this goes because it's not worth it. i get your hopes up and then crash them down. i'm not the person i think i am or want to be. i'm a waste of time, energy, space, and you leave. i cannot tell you how many times i've had this convo in my head, i just don't know when.
-i have this self-fulfilling prophecy..i just screw it up and don't know how it happens.
-but i don't want to be that guy that talks about it because i don't want to wallow in self-pity and i don't understand little subtle differences, i am stupid, i don't get it.
-i don't get the difference between self-pity & being vulnerable.
-maybe it is that i just really want to be perfect and i screw that up.
-fuck, i don't know..
-i envy your candidness, your ability to just confront people and talk real whenever.
-in my mind, if you know me, you mean so much to me that i have to keep me from you.
-if you know me, i'm not..then you're gone.
-i don't even know what real, honesty mean. i don't know how to be real, i don't know who the real me is.
-i don't even take a good look at myself. i drawn it out with sports. i drown it out. i gotta have somebody forcing me. i gotta have you force me cuz i won't do it on my own, not yet anyway.
-when you want to go to Colorado or get away after we've had a good time or a good conversation, i see that as a rejection. that you learned more about me and don't want to spend time with me.
-you're always leaving, and i get why, but i feel like it's that you don't want to be with me. that you're getting to know me and walking further away.
-so if you could beat it out of me, or we just hang out just the 2 of us, i really like that a lot.
-i felt like you've been angry with me for 2 weeks cuz you've been pulling away and haven't really talked to me much, you've been drunk, you've been angry with me.
-from before the cat thing i thought you were angry with me but i couldn't figure out what it was, and the only thing i could think of was that i was opening myself up to you and i don't even know if you were mad, but that's where my mind goes. she's choosing others over me because she's getting a glimpse of who i really am, so i keep you at this distance because then you'll stay around.
-i try to be supportive when you want to have people over, or hang out with Brice, and talk about these things, because i don't want you to leave, so i play the supportive husband role because i want you to stick around.